I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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