I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
