I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
