omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
