Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
