Kareoke will never be a sober sport
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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