I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
