How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
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Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As shirtless as possible
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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