i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
