ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
