I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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