Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
