You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
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