If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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