I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
