dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
