as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
