It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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