i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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