I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Who died my cat blue again?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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