Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
