Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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