Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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