The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
