I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
