Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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