I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
