I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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