Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
