i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
