Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
then he tried to convert me to islam
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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