I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
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when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
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I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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