your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
