My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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