I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
