I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
