I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
