Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
FUCK WHALES
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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