I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
