Buhtt sex?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
