can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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