just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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