My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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