I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
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