I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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