Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
