I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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