I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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