he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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