First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
