how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
