It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Just high enough for therapy.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
