Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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