Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
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You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
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