Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
