Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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