He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
