Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
