Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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